will never forget this clique or i would rather say, my good true friends :') most of you are in TP and that's a big fat chance for us to meet again or talk again. wish all of you best of luck, have a great 3 years in poly and achieve your target :-)

so sad that we drifted but i am very thankful for you. i may no show but i really appreciate those 5 years in NV with you. how gay you can get at times, but you're still a smart friend. i am very sad that you're not coming on my birthday and in fact, none of our classmates are going except weijie. but i hope you do know that you're really a great friend. 

honestly, my true friend, very true friend is you. goodluck in TP, enough said.

& i will never forget this. you hurt me. look at every single thing you did, i will never forget this.

maybe that was the most painful thing that ever happened to me. swearing and promising me yet lying to me at the same time. you broke every single trust that i build for so long. it was shattered again. you would always want to end things with me whenever it comes to her. you never once thought about how i felt. i am crying so painfully yet you don't feel a single guilt and all i felt was betrayed and being a fool to believe you. why must you do this to me now when things were fine between us without the two of them? i sacrificed, but did you? don't push the blames on me and say that i was like that before, but the fact that i changed for you it's already a state of a new beginning but you were taking revenge. what am i supposed to feel now?

i love you. that's the simple thing that i can tell you. but all the assurance you gave me, those are not loyal and truthful at all because you lied. the fact that you lied to me, and assuming a sorry would solve everything, it doesn't work that way. if you would have told me that you can't promise me, i would still feel hurt but not as hurting as now. even when i am typing this out, i am crying so painfully. it's so painful that i feel that someone had just died. or perhaps worse than that. i can;t accept this for the fourth time. the freaking fourth time that you're doing this to me. it's a cycle but you always protect and cover up for her and just keep on scolding me and blaming me for all those things. why can't you just stay to one?

i stayed out the whole rainy day, wondering why. probably you still wanted her. but if you really want her, then don't come back to me. you know that i love you a lot, more than i love myself but you always take the risks and end up blaming me. i am so hurt, it's so painful. i can't sleep now, even when i am back home. all i did was cry. and cry. and now still crying. why wouldn't you just stop everything? why swore, promise and assure me everyday, especially last night, that you won't take talk and take a picture with her? it's something that you mean it but why you broke it?

i swear to god, i am hurt. i can't imagine and i can't accept what had happened. i kept thinking about what you said, about the picture you took, you don't even care about how i feel. i am so disappointed. i am more angry about you lying to me, when you swore to me hard. why do i still love you when you keep hurting me for the same girl? that's because you mean a lot to me, you really do but you always give me the vibe that she's more important than me.

i skipped my work, because i don't want to work with this freaking swollen eyes. i just need someone to come here and hug me and tell me everything's going to be alright or tell me to have faith again. i've lost it, i can't emphasize how painful it is. so painful, my heart is heavy. i don't know how to bring and gain back everything again.

the last time i updated this blog is..... may??? anyway, this blog is for some random thoughts or i am really really feeling down so it's not going to be alive everyday because i don't think my life is always sad???? lol. 

i guess life now it's pretty much more stable. i have to admit that yes, i miss some parts of the moments that i dealt with but i know that you have to risk and leave something to be with the one you love. it might be a childish saying but i really find it true. even when you have a family, you can't be having or experiencing the same thing like in the past because the family might just fall apart or things will be in such a mess unless, your husband/wife agrees to it, which i strongly believe, the chances of them to agree is very low. 

as you see the guy on top, everyone knows how screwed up our relationship. but again, i don't need all of you to approve to us, or to like us being together, or even admire the fact that we are together. many ask me to leave, because he cheated on me once, left me for another girl and even treated me like a replacement. & that is because many witnessed it, watching him with another girl. but will someone ever change after being given a second chance? some said no and some said yes. my answer is depends. i know that i gave me more chances than i should have given but do anyone of you know how much we two had been through? how we actually loved and spent it together whenever it's just us? how we would randomly start flirting each other and assure how much we love each other? it is the secret between us that none of you witness and that is why i still hold him tight. 

i believe, and always believe that he changed. i believe he is not contacting the girl i hate the most, the one he left me for her. of course, my insecurities are still there but my love for him never stop growing. everyone spot his mistakes, always. because of one thing that he turned my life into, everyone sees him as a bad boyfriend. i make mistakes too, but people keep saying because he changed my life. perhaps yes, but i know i could have control it and none of those past would have happened. everyone makes mistake, and nobody is going to be perfect with no mistakes. it is going to keep on running round in circle, it will never end for people to make mistakes. 

i love him and that is something everyone knows. he's not my boyfriend, but i always consider him as one because practically, we do what couples do and we treat each other like how we were back then. i don't need to ask whether we can be a relationship, i don't need to have a fancy status to let everyone know. because what we are now are pretty cool and i am more elated. i don't need everyone to know about us every single day, but maybe roughly but not in details. i don't need anyone to judge us for being too loyal or for being stupid. i just need the both of us to know that we love each other and that's all matters. 

there will be arguments, no doubt. but he and i can go through this. we would be stronger after every obstacle. thank you my love, for creating so much memories with me and not leaving me now even when rough things just have to come by. i don't regret being with you, doing all those adventures and silly things with you. may we hold this till the end, if god willing. you're always the best thing that's ever been mine. 

been crying i don't know why either 

does this mean that all these while you have been cheating on me again? i don't understand why but it seems that history is repeating itself again. i've always trusted you and believed all those words you said to me but what did you give me in return? you're not even afraid of losing me and i feel that i am just a replacement to you. because she came back, you don't feel the impact of losing me. i can't believe that i have been so naive about all those things you did to me behind my back. do you know i am heartbroken? obviously not, because i mean nothing to you. 

please tell me that you actually loved me when we were still dating. i am super tired of listening to craps and you know that after all those things you did to me, i still love you. why am i not good enough for you? because i don't understand you enough? then why love me in the first place? isn't it irony how you said you love me but when i leave, you choose to let go too but when she left, you begged her to stay again. i just don't understand this, you made me feel like i am under a lost world. 

i have no idea what to feel but may your future be bright. 

5 months and still waiting.... 

miss.

7 years of friendship and we just let it go. you don't know how much i miss you, miss having a bestfriend that treats me like a sister and love me for who i am. always scolding me and throwing advises to me. i wish i could turn back the time and make things right and up till now, i wish none of this happened. i really want you back because you're so important to me. the meaning of friendship is lost because i lost you. i cry myself to sleep and ask myself when will we ever talk again. i really miss your presence roza, i miss it a lot. 

it's the 91th day and i still think about you. tomorrow will be the 3rd month of our separation. i really miss you a lot and nothing can explain how much i want us back. but as days pass by, i don't know what i want anymore. because i know everything will come to an end. i feel that i'm tired of waiting and quarreling with you over small things but part of me still want you badly. you were my happiness but i don't know what's the meaning of it anymore. i lost two important people in my life and i highly doubt that you and her will ever come back. i still cry myself to sleep for you and her. i ask myself, "what did i do to lead such a way?" i miss you so much ashleigh simxuan.... 

22 april 2014 will always the date i will remember. 

it gave me so much of pains to see you leaving for that moment. i felt that everything i once had were gone. but i asked myself what are the happiness i want and what do i have to do when you're finally gone? i am never prepared for someone to leave me because i always believe in forever even though i know it doesn't come true. i am so naive to believe all these fairy tale stories but that is what keep me from moving forward and believe in love, in us. 

at that point when you left, i was dumbfounded. i had no idea what to do but i told myself to get back what i want, i have to fight for it. & eventually i did. my heart was thumping so hard and i wished none of that happened. i wished things didn't went wrong and we can just enjoy the great time together. i wished i was better in your eyes and i wished that i wasn't the type of person that will cause so much of troubles. 

within an hour, you came back in my life. you said you love me and you said you still want me no matter what. you said you won't leave me ever again, you promised me. it's a big risk to use the word 'promise' but i just needed to hear that you'll love me no matter what happens. i was so fragile that i broke down badly. i was devastated and i just had to tell you how important you are to me and that i have never love someone so hard before. that simple things we do just make me love you deeper each day.

i just want to thank you for still wanting me in your life. i want to thank you for accepting me again. your assurance has always been the best. your words have always make me feel better. those hugs and kisses you always give me, are some signs of security and comforts. i can't deny that it is always the best to receive hugs and kisses from you. i just love being with you, even if i have nobody else in my life and only you, i would be more happy than usual. i'm always happy with you, i'm always showing my true colours to you, and i'm always acting silly with you. 

i hope after 22 april, things will be much much more better. i want you to know that i want you to be my first and last true love. i want you to be mine...... forever. 

i love you simxuan, you're the best.

"some of the best moments in life are the ones you cannot tell anyone about."